Imagine being in a meeting room full of people. Everyone is talking about something they call ‘Patato’. They keep saying how important ‘Patato’ is and that we should all use it. Then, they look at you and ask, ‘When will ‘Patato’ be ready?’ Here’s the thing - you have no idea what ‘Patato’ is. So, you take a deep breath, raise your hand, and ask, ‘What is ‘Patato’?’
Right after you ask that question, your nervous system gets triggered, you feel horrible, and lots of thoughts start rushing through your mind.
“Oh no, that’s a dumb question”, “People will think you’re not smart”, “Why ask now, can’t you just look it up later?” and so on.
But here’s the funny part. Every time you’ve asked these questions, you’ve learned something new and managed to do your job better.
This made-up situation has happened to me at least once a month in my 10 years as a software engineer. Even though I knew it was normal in a fast-moving job like mine, it always bugged me.
Why do I have to feel dumb when I ask questions? Why does it make me feel so uneasy? Why does my brain keep telling me to act like I know things I don’t?
These situations always made me upset. To be honest, I didn’t think there was any way to understand or overcome these feelings
A Change of Perspective
And indeed, this was my life until a few months ago. But one normal day, during a coaching session, I casually mentioned my frustration and a whole new world was opened up to me.
My interested coach helped me see that I might be seeing things in a rather negative way. More importantly, I realized that when I felt really uncomfortable, I stopped asking questions. It wasn’t on purpose; my brain just automatically decided to not ask the question.
This 45-minute coaching session made so many things clear to me that I wanted to share what I learned. Who knows, maybe someone else can relate to this.
Uncovering my Fear of Looking Dumb
So, what was happening inside me that made me fear looking dumb? My coach helped me understand this by asking tough questions.
In this article, I will share the questions and my honest answers:
What Happens When You Raise Your Hand and Ask the Question?
In my case, my body reacts badly. I feel a tightness in my belly, a lump in my throat, and my mind starts thinking all these horrible thoughts about how dumb I am and what others might think of me.
Is It Always Uncomfortable?
This was interesting - it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I feel okay. I noticed that when I’m asking a question in a group of strangers, I feel worse. Even more interesting is that if someone really smart is in the group, and this person doesn’t show much emotion, I get so scared that my brain goes into automatic mode and sometimes just doesn’t ask the question.
What are the Emotions During this Process?
This question pushed me out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t name just one emotion, but several. I felt scared, I feared judgement, and in the end, I realized I felt a deep shame.
I felt ashamed of not knowing, of having to ask the question.
Where Is This Emotion Coming From?
Like many others, I’ve been made to feel ashamed for not knowing something. I’m not sure if it’s cultural, but I can still remember mean comments from when I was a kid and in university, things like:
“What! you don’t know what ‘Patato’ means?, wow… what’s wrong with you? This is so easy! Didn’t they teach you this at school?”
These harsh and embarrassing comments happened so often that my body and mind figured out how to handle them. How, you might ask? Well…my body and mind would respond in a negative way, sending waves of thoughts and physical sensations, all with a single goal: “Stop, this is risky, we’re going to get hurt again, it’s painful, just stop, please!
Insights
Understanding Two Modes of My Mind
Realizing that shame was my deep feeling was a big thing for me. I could finally get why I always felt this way. Plus, I found out that my mind works in two modes: the learning and the shame mode:
The Learning Mode: In this mode, my mind understands that asking questions and making mistakes are part of the process. I have to make mistakes to get better. I believe in people’s willingness to teach me, I don’t judge my own progress harshly, and I enjoy the process.
The Shame Mode: In this mode, there’s a big wall in front of me. Asking questions, making mistakes, or anything that could show I don’t know something is not allowed. I play it safe and go into survival mode.
Can I encourage my learning mode or handle my shame mode?
This is a question that I’ve been trying to answer ever since, at first glance it seems possible to at least be aware when I am in shame mode and when my mind is in learning mode. So, for now, I have been doing small experiments every day, like:
Triggers Inventory: I made a list of people and situations that currently trigger my shame mode. And I evaluate how safe these spaces really are.
Inner Psychological Safety: I wrote down a special phrase that means a lot to me on a small paper and put it on my desk. This is my reminder for when I’m in places where I don’t feel very comfortable. It tells my brain to stay calm and to make me feel safe from within.
S.T.O.P: This is a technique to be more mindful in my day to day. The idea is “Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed”. I set up a reminder on my phone to do this every day.
How Has It Been After Trying This?
I wish I could say that I don’t fear looking dumb anymore, but no, I still do. But now, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I still feel some discomfort, but it’s not as bad as before. Now that I’m aware of my modes, I constantly try to encourage my learning mode, being braver, seeking more learning opportunities, making mistakes, and even messing up on purpose to learn how it feels.
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